Hikaru's Newlyweds Game
by Le Penguin
Summary: Hikaru is hosting the Newlyweds Game. Take cover.


(A/N: Welcome again to another of Penguin's travesties. If you've read any of my other fics, you know what to expect. If not...*speaking with the beat of a waltz* We've got tons of sex-u-al ref-ren-ces, noth-in' graphic but kiddies beware, we've got yaoi and some sick jokes, and we've got a gratuitous Baywatch beach scene with Mokona and the mashin. So if you're into that kind of thing...stay tuuuuuuuned. *little finishing tap dance* And reviews make me a happy little freak.)  
  
~*  
  
"Welcome to the Newlyweds Game!!" chirped an announcer peppily. "Let's go right down to everyone's FAVORITE love triangle hosts!!"  
The camera panned down to the stage, focusing in on a brightly decorated set. Hikaru sat on a plush red couch, smiling brightly and waving.  
"Evening, everybody!" cried Hikaru.   
The audience spoke confusedly amongst themselves. A stagehand ran out and handed Hikaru a note.   
Hikaru blinked at the piece of paper. "What does 'S! tuot Puo cl8o3 cuo cjc4m' mean?"  
The stagehand sighed and turned the note right side up.   
"'Where are Eagle and Lantis?'" Hikaru giggled. "Silly! They're right here!!"   
She pointed behind the couch. Lantis popped his head up, hair rumpled.   
"Hunnnnh? Are we filming?" panted Lantis.   
Eagle pulled himself from behind the couch. He gave a look to the camera.   
"If you don't MIND..." Eagle said firmly, grabbing Lantis' unbuttoned collar. "We're BUSY."  
Eagle yanked Lantis back behind the couch. Hikaru smiled innocently at the camera, apparently paying no mind to the rocking of the couch.  
"See!" Hikaru chirped.   
Coughing came from behind the curtained part of the stage. Hikaru still smiled happily at the camera as the couch was rocking faster.  
"Psst...Hikaru-san..." came a soft voice from behind the curtains.  
Hikaru blinked and looked around.   
Fuu poked her head out from the curtains. "Hikaru-san, introduce the couples!"  
Hikaru nodded. "Okie-doke!"   
Hikaru bounced out of her chair and over to a gold tasseled rope. She gave it a good tug, yanking it down from the ceiling and causing a stage light to crash down right beside her. The curtain fell along with the rope, and onto the three couples.   
"FIRST COU~PLE!!" Hikaru squealed. "FUU and FERIO!!"  
Fuu and Ferio waved to the camera from under the curtain, sweatdropping.   
"SECOND COU~PLE!! UMI and ASCOT!!"  
A sword and a griffin claw tore a hole through the curtain. A very angry Umi and a sweatdropping Ascot climbed out, gasping for air.  
"THIRD COU~PLE!! ZAZU and..." Hikaru blinked.   
In the booth that was supposed to hold the third couple, only one head could be seen under the curtain. Muffled sobbing was heard. Umi frowned and yanked the curtain off the three booths. Zazu sat in the third booth, seemingly alone. His head was bowed, and his shoulders were shaking with a mixture of sobs, hiccups, and belches.   
Hikaru jogged over to Zazu, concerned. "What's wrong, Zazu? Where's your partner?"  
Zazu snapped his head up, looking at Hikaru with huge teary eyes. "AS IF YOU DON'T KNOW!!" he bawled.  
Hikaru blinked innocently. "I do?"  
Zazu began to pump out waterfall tears. "DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE INNOCENT, MURDERER!!"   
Hikaru looked even more confused. "...Murderer? ...Is this about the fly I smushered the other day?" She too began to get teary eyed. "I...I didn't mean to kill you, Mr. Fly!! I just...I just..." Hikaru pumped out waterfall tears. "I AM A MURDERER! SEND ME TO PRISON!! I'll show you where I buried Mr. Fly's body...!!!"  
Zazu hiccuped. Teary eyes. He held up a poorly made popsicle stick model of the FTO. "This...THIS IS MY PARTNER!!" Zazu wailed, rubbing his face against the model.  
Geo sighed and hopped out of the judges' booth, and walked out to Zazu's booth with a needle and a bottle of pills in hand.  
"Time for your meds, lil' guy..." Geo said calmly. He pulled Zazu's mouth open, and dumped the entire bottle of pills down Zazu's throat.  
Fuu rocked the bawling Hikaru back and forth, patting her head. "Don't worry, Hikaru-san...Mr. Fly is in a better place..."  
Zazu sat in a comatose state, waiting for his medication to kick in. Ascot pointed at the needle in Geo's hand.   
"Um...aren't you going to give that to Zazu?"  
"...This is for me..." Geo said with a slight twitch. "Liquid mixture of Prozac, Zoloft, and pixi stix."  
"Mmmmmm, yes, right THERE, Lantiiiiis..." moaned Eagle from behind the couch.  
Geo blinked and glanced at the needle in his hand. He plunged it into his arm, and let his eyes roll back into his head. As the medication took effect, Geo got rosy-cheeked and genki-eyed.   
"Okie-DOKIE NOW!" Geo chirped, patting Zazu on the head. "You just sit tight while Unca Geo goes to get you a LOLLI for being such a good boy and taking AAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL his pills!!" Geo skipped back to the judges' booth.  
"Kkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaawwwwwwwwccckkkk..." garbled Zazu.  
Hikaru was sitting back on the couch, sniffling and hiccuping. The couch had stopped rocking momentarily. In the judges' booth, Clef gave a questioning look to the three couples on stage.  
"What's wrong, dear?" asked Presea, sitting beside him.  
Clef stroked his chin. "...Am I wrong, or aren't there supposed to be FOUR couples in this game?"  
Presea thought for a moment, then yelled to the stage.  
"HEY! Where's the fourth couple?"   
The present couples (besides Zazu, who was rolling his head around and mumbling incoherently) looked at each other. Umi whistled to a stagehand.  
"Hey! Tell the writers to put in another couple!"  
The stagehand dashed backstage, and came back quickly with a small note. He handed it to Hikaru, and hastened back behind the camera.   
Hikaru studied the note, stroking her chin. "Hmm...hmmm...OKAY!"   
For those curious souls, the note consisted mostly of crayon scribblings. However, Hikaru was able to read the note as if it was written in plain kanji. Hikaru peeked behind the couch, smiling sanguinely.   
"Eagle! Lantis! The writers said that you could be the fourth couple!" Hikaru squealed.   
Eagle popped his head up. "That sounds like fun, doesn't it, Lantis?"  
"It's more fun down heeeeeeeereeee..." whined Lantis, still hidden behind the couch.  
Eagle tapped Lantis on the nose. "C'mon, dear, we could win the grand prize..."  
"But Eeeeeeeeeaaaaag-le..." Lantis whined.  
Eagle smiled slyly. "Tell you what...if we win..." Eagle bent down to whisper something to Lantis.   
Lantis leapt up from behind the couch and dashed to the booth designated for the fourth couple, which had conveniently appeared. Eagle chuckled and walked over to the fourth booth calmly. Hikaru bounced up and down on the couch excitedly.  
"Let's start! Okay, the first group of questions is for the boys!" Hikaru said peppily.  
All eyes blinked at Eagle and Lantis. Eagle pointed to Lantis.  
"Dresses make him look like a drag queen." Eagle explained.  
Hikaru pulled out a question card. "Okay! First question: 'What's your wife's biggest turn-on?'. Couple number one, start us out!"  
Ferio pondered for a moment. "When I use my sword?"  
Fuu held up her sign: When Ferio uses his sword.  
"Phallic symbols at their finest..." Clef sweatdropped.  
Hikaru squealed with happiness. "Good job! You get a point! Now, couple number two?"  
Ascot turned five shades of red. "Er..." Blushblushblushblushblush. "...When I wear my griffin suit?"  
Umi held up her sign: Feathers.  
Hikaru's face fell. "I'm sorry, that's not right..." she sniffled.   
Ascot sweatdropped and waved his hands. "No, no, it's alright, Hikaru. Technically my griffin costume isn't really a..." Blushblush. "...COSTUME in the traditional sense...it's just strategically placed feathers."  
Hikaru wiped her nose. "Strategically?"   
Ascot opened his mouth to explain further, but was buzzed out by the judges' booth.  
"You STILL don't get the point." Geo said firmly. "Next couple, Hikaru."  
"O-kay. Couple number three?"  
Zazu sat in his chair limply, head tipped back and drooling. The popsicle stick FTO was clutched tightly in his hand.  
Hikaru nodded. "Hmm, I see! Popsiclestick FTO, what's your sign say?"  
Zazu rolled his head forward, blinked once, and fell face-first onto the front of his podium.  
Hikaru looked crestfallen. "Oh...I'm sorry, but that's not the right answer." Hikaru put a smile on again. "Couple number four?"  
Lantis thought hard. "...Just ONE turn-on?"  
Eagle held up his sign: Anything is a turn-on if utilized correctly. ^____________^  
Hikaru scratched her head and looked over at the judges' booth. "Is that a good answer?"  
Clef shrugged. Presea was covering her ears. Caldina and Lafarga...were on the floor. Caldina managed to make a thumbs-up. Geo simply glared at Lantis and mumbled something.  
Hikaru squealed and clapped her hands. "Yay! Couple number four gets a point! Now! Next question: 'If your wife was your wake-up call, how would she get you up in the morning?'."  
Ferio got a dreamy look on his face. "With a whip..." he swooned.  
Fuu held up her sign: Chained to the bed and with a whip in my hand.  
"Yippee! Point for you! Couple number two?"  
Ascot got the same look Ferio still sported on his face. "With breakfast in bed..."  
Umi held up her sign: With a morning meal!  
Hikaru's eyes brightened. "Mmm! But...don't you get crumbs in the bed?"  
Ascot blushed. "Umm...I don't think we're thinking of the same kind of 'breakfast', Hikaru..."  
Caldina sniffled and wiped a tear from her eyes. "Ah...ma lil' guy's learned SO much...!!"  
Presea screamed and hit the judges' buzzer repeatedly. "NEXT COUPLE!"  
Hikaru shrugged. "Okay! Couple number three?"  
"Oh WHERE oh WHERE...hic...could mah, BABY be!" Belch. "THE LORD TOOK HER! AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEE!!!" Zazu warbled; his antidepressant drugs seemingly being affected by the fact that Zazu's blood-alcohol level was far above the legal limit naturally.  
Hikaru put a hand to her cheek. "Oh my! Popsiclestick FTO, your sign?"  
The popsicle stick FTO's left arm fell off.  
Hikaru's face fell. "Oh...I'm sorry, I can't give you the point...Couple number four?"  
Lantis dragged a large thick book out from under his seat, and walked it over to the judges' booth, straining under its weight. He plunked it onto the table, and cracked his back.  
"This is the Kama Sutra!" Clef facefaulted, gagging.  
Lantis shook his head. "No it isn't."  
"What is it, then?!"  
Lantis opened up the book, pointing to some added pictures. "It's the Kama Sutra rewritten by Eagle and I."  
Geo grumbled and proceeded to rip up some papers. Presea looked about ready to grab a pencil and gouge out her eyes. And, of course, Caldina and Lafarga were happily referencing the book.   
Caldina stroked her chin. "Ma goodness! You're real flexible, ain't ya, Lantis?" Caldina exclaimed, impressed.  
"Indeed he is, and you have absolutely NO idea how many things I had to do to him for him to be able to stretch like that." Eagle said, matter-of-factly.   
"What's a Karma Souptra?" asked Hikaru. "Is it something you eat?"  
Lantis stroked his chin. "Weeeeell--"  
Clef hit the judges' buzzer repeatedly. "EAGLE!!"  
Eagle scratched the back of his head. "I couldn't fit it on my whiteboard, and I don't think it would be appropriate for national television..."  
Clef winced. "...I'm going to regret saying this in a way that you cannot fathom, but you have to say it or you forgo the point."  
Eagle shrugged. "Well, first I'd--"  
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTT*  
  
~*  
  
This portion of the program has been removed for content. Please enjoy this Rayearth Short. Thank you.   
  
~*  
  
Scene: On the NSX. Eagle and Geo were in a darkened lounge room, watching a sappy romance movie. Eagle had fallen asleep, resting his head in Geo's lap and snoring softly. As the movie faded out and ended, Geo looked down at Eagle dreamily, stroking his hair gently.   
"Eagle..."  
Eagle yawned, and gazed up at Geo sleepily. "Huummmm...yes, Geo?"  
Geo cupped Eagle's face in his hands. "...Do you think that I could make you as happy as the couple in the movie?"   
Eagle smiled at him gently. "Yes...I really believe you could."  
Geo got starry-eyed. "...R...really, Eagle?!" he said ecstatically.  
Eagle nodded, moving his face closer to Geo's.   
"Yes..." he whispered, his voice dropping an octave. "Because..."  
Geo held his breath. Eagle looked into Geo's eyes, their noses nearly touching.   
"Because...I'm really, REALLY hungry." Eagle smiled. "Could I please have some of your candy?"  
Geo fell over. Eagle blinked at him.  
"What's wrong?" Eagle asked, concerned.  
"Just...NOTHING!" Geo moaned, smacking his head on a coffee table. He sighed. "Come on, I've got some candy in the kitchen..."  
  
In the kitchen...  
  
Eagle popped a handful of candy into his mouth and smiled cutely at Geo.   
"Thank you!" Eagle chirped, with the pun only slightly intended.  
Geo sat slumped in a chair at a table, downing several dozen pixi sticks. He forced a smile.  
"...Any TIME, Eagle!" Geo said, trying to keep his mouth from twitching.  
Eagle finished sucking on the candy, and started to lick his fingers one by one, trying to get the sugary dye off them.  
"Say, Geo..." Eagle managed to say between licks.   
Geo tried to wipe the blood from under his nose and bring his gaze away from the sight of Eagle licking his fingers.  
"Y...y...yes?"  
Lick-lick. "Now that my stomach isn't rumbling anymore, would you like to go to my room?" Lllllllllllllllick. "I've got some handcuffs and leather I need to break in."  
"...OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~*   
  
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress.  
  
~*  
"...and he doesn't like the especially sweet and sticky, you-have-to-lick-it-off-very-smoothly-in-order-to-get-it-all-off stuff, so we don't use that too often. Now, hot fudge on the other hand--" Eagle continued to explain.  
Clef, red as a fire engine, finally hit the buzzer. The entire studio audience was dead silent and beet red. Caldina and Lafarga were totally silent, their mouths agape. Geo had stuffed wads of paper in his ears and covered them with his hands. Hikaru was asleep. Presea was merely taking notes.  
"...T...that's enough..." Clef mumbled softly. "...We'll give you the point...next round, Hikaru..."  
"..."  
"...Hikaru?"  
"..."  
Clef cleared his throat loudly. Hikaru blinked once, and yawned.   
"Hnnnn...is the show over?" she asked sleepily.  
Clef shook his head absentmindedly. "No...just get the questions for the wives of the couples..."  
Hikaru cracked her back. "Okay! Now, these questions are for the girls: 'What is your husband's idea of a perfect date?' Couple number one?"  
Fuu polished her glasses, thinking. "Hmm. Perhaps something along the lines of a romantic dinner? Or something involving food in general?"  
Ferio flipped over his card, head bowed: A Jacuzzi and some wine.  
Fuu patted him on the leg reassuringly.   
"Sniff...I'm sorry...Couple number two?"  
Umi tapped a finger on her chin. "...Me taking him to a toy store?"  
Ascot flipped over his card: Taking a trip over to the toy store on main street.  
Clef's face lit up. "Oh! You mean the specialty toy store? Presea and I have a membership th..." he trailed off, cowering under Presea's glare. "...Oops."  
Hikaru clapped excitedly. "Yay! You two get a point!! Couple number three?"  
The FTO popsicle stick made a snapping sound as the wood began to break off from the glue.  
Zazu looked around, dazed, with a ribbon of drool dangling out of his mouth. He limply held up his sign, which consisted merely of a mess of scribbles.  
Hikaru clapped excitedly. "Couple number three gets a point!!"  
The other three couples looked questioningly at the judges. The judges merely shrugged.   
"Couple number four?"  
"Me showing up naked and holding a whip?" Eagle hazarded, shrugging.  
Lantis held up his sign, pouting: Ropes, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry on top.  
"...Your answer was better..." sulked Lantis.   
Eagle stroked his cheek comfortingly. "It's okay...I'll make your answer come true tonight."  
Hikaru picked up the next question card. "Okay! Next question: 'What is your husband's favorite movie?'. First couple?"  
Fuu blushed and looked down. "...Does it have to be a professionally done movie?"  
"...Yes..." Presea said cautiously.   
Fuu bit her thumbnail. "...Um..."  
The time buzzer rang. Hikaru looked sadly at Fuu.  
"Sorry, Fuu, time's up. Ferio, your sign."  
Ferio held up his sign: Fuu's and my wedding tape.  
The audience cooed. Fuu merely blushed several shades of red.  
Umi giggled and winked at Ferio. "Awww, Ferio's soooo sentimental! What's your favorite part, when you and Fuu had your first married daaaance together?"  
Ferio scratched the back of his head, a slight blush forming. "Uhhh...actually, I kinda like the very end the VERY most..."  
Umi facefaulted, twitching. Hikaru blinked.   
Fuu forced a smile. "Ferio, I thought we weren't going to TELL anyone about that part..." she said through gritted teeth.  
Ferio cowered. "...Oops?"  
Hikaru sighed. "But, I can't give you the point...Couple number two?"  
Umi chewed on her tongue. "Hmmmm...Romeo and Juliet, maybe?"  
Ascot held up his sign: Romeo and Juliet.  
Clef nearly fell out of his chair. "Good GOD! Somebody actually gave a non-perverted answer?!"  
Umi and Ascot blushed, and were about to open their mouths when Clef held up one hand.  
"Just stop."  
"But--"   
"Stop."  
"But we--"  
"STOP."  
"With goat cheese--"  
Clef facefaulted. "Hikaru, just go on to the next couple."  
Hikaru nodded. "Couple number three?"  
Zazu was dazedly moving the FTO popsicle stick back and forth in front of his eyes, drooling.  
He held up his sign, which was blank.  
Hikaru squealed and bounced up and down. "Wow, you two! You're on a roll!! Couple number four?"  
"The Care Bears Meet King Puu-Puu of the Marshmallow People." Eagle said, not even hesitating.   
Hikaru put a hand to her cheek. "Isn't that the movie Mokona got hired to star in?"  
"Puu-puuuu!" said a mysterious voice from over the studio speakers.  
Everyone in the studio blinked.   
"I knew it!" Hikaru squealed.  
Lantis held up his sign: THE CARE BEARS MEET KING PUU-PUU!!!!!   
Geo bounced up and down excitedly. "Me too! Me too!! THAT MOVIE KICKS ASS!!" He took off his overshirt, revealing a 'Care Bears Meet King Puu-Puu' tee shirt.   
"You got yours signed by Funshine Bear?!" Lantis cried. "YOU SUCK!"  
Ferio pulled up his sleeves quickly, revealing a 'Care Bears Meet King Puu-Puu' plastic watch.  
"I got the LAST ONE they had in the store!!" he said proudly.   
Geo and Lantis were over at Ferio's booth in a flash.   
"Wow! You got a Blinko the Disoriented Ferret watch!!" Geo said, awed.   
Lantis smirked. "Hah! I got a Steve the Magic Taco watch with Woo-Woo the Paranoid Ocelot on it!"  
Geo and Ferio oohed and ahhed in jealousy. Eagle cast a sympathetic glance at Fuu.  
"I take it you can nearly recite along with the dialogue, as well?" Eagle asked Fuu.  
"Nearly?" Fuu asked, one eye twitching.  
Hikaru waved her index finger back and forth. "We gotta get back to the game, you guys!"  
Geo, Lantis, and Ferio pouted and scuffed their feet, returning to their seats. Fuu and Eagle sighed in relief. Hikaru looked over at them, smiling.  
"Ahhh, don't worry! After the show, we can have a biiiiiig screening of the movie!" Hikaru said peppily.  
Eagle and Fuu turned white as sheets. Geo, Lantis, and Ferio cheered.   
"Can we watch the DVD?! It's got SIX MORE HOURS of added footage!!" squealed Lantis.  
"Canwecanwecanwe?!" Geo asked, his eyes huge and sparkly.   
"Let's take a vote!" cried Hikaru. "Everybody who wants to watch it?"  
Hikaru, Geo, Lantis, and Ferio's hands shot up.  
"And everybody who doesn't?" asked Hikaru.  
Eagle and Fuu's hands shot up and waved around madly.  
Hikaru didn't seem to notice. "Yay! It's unani-mouse! Screening after the show!!!"  
Hikaru, Geo, Lantis, and Ferio bounced up and down ecstatically. Eagle and Fuu were simply shaking their heads with tears forming in their eyes.   
Hikaru cleared her throat and straightened up. "It's time for the final round!! There's only one more question, and it's worth three points!!"  
Hikaru dragged out a whiteboard, and pointed to some scribblings on it. "As you can see, couple number two and couple number four are tied for the lead with three points each! But couples one and three are in a close second with two points each! It's still anyone's game!"   
Hikaru stuck out her tongue in concentration as she dug around in the couch for the final question. She finally held up the card triumphantly.   
"OKAY! Now, the final question, for the wives: 'What bedroom fantasy have you acted out that should have remained a fantasy?' Couple number one?"  
Fuu blushed profusely. "Well, one time we used Windam to--"  
The buzzer sounded several times from the judges' booth.  
Ferio held up his sign: The Mashin Incident.  
Hikaru was scratching her head and frowning. "...What's a 'bedroom fantasy'? Oh! One time I ate cookies in bed. They were tasty. But it went really bad, cause all these ants came and it was scary. But Hikari saved me. He's such a good doggie!" she squealed.   
Geo coughed from the judges' booth. "Hikaru...next couple?"  
"...Oh yeah. Couple number two?"  
Umi fidgeted and looked down at the floor, mumbling something.  
"Huh?" asked Hikaru. "I can't hear you..."  
Umi blushed. "Um...the time we tried it in the Water Shrine...he almost drowned...and I think Selece was watching us."  
"No I wasn't." a mysterious voice said from over the studio speakers.  
Ascot held up his sign: The time when I summoned some friends to--  
Hikaru held a finger to her chin innocently. "Why does it trail off at the end?"  
"They took away my marker."  
"Oh, that's too bad..." Hikaru nodded sympathetically. "In kindergarten they used to take away my markers, too, 'cause I always tried to see how many I could stick up my nose."  
Presea sent a look over to Umi and Fuu, cocking an eyebrow.  
"She does this when she gets bored." explained Fuu.   
Hikaru giggled. "Okay! Couple number three?"  
As Zazu's medication was beginning to wear down, he was sniffling and rubbing the popsicle stick FTO against his cheek, causing parts of it to fall off.  
"Oooooh...that's bad. Zazu, your sign?"  
Zazu merely looked at Hikaru with big teary eyes, his bottom lip quivering. He held up his sign, which was an elaborate, jaw-droppingly-gorgeous memorial oil portrait of the FTO surrounded by flowers, cherubim, and animals.  
Hikaru nodded and stroked her chin. "Hmm...oil painting...I guess I can accept that!"  
Everyone facefaulted. Hikaru bubbily continued.   
"Couple number four?"  
"The Breakfast Incident." Eagle said firmly, casting a sideways glance at Lantis.  
Lantis held up his sign, visibly hurt: Waffle batter.  
"C'mon, the Breakfast Incident wasn't THAT bad..." Lantis said to Eagle. "I mean, your arm healed, and I see almost perfectly out of that eye now!"  
Eagle merely sent a piercing glare at Lantis, slowly inching his face as close as he could until Lantis got a scared bunny look. Lantis whimpered softly.   
"I couldn't walk for weeks, those pots were completely ruined, and we had to throw all of those orange juice containers away...and you call that 'not THAT bad'?" Eagle said, putting extra venom onto the last three words.  
"...I'm sorry, Eaggie-poo..." Lantis whimpered softly, shaking.  
"...Don't. Call. Me. Eaggie-poo."   
Hikaru looked at the scoreboard. "Uh-oh!"  
This caused most of the couples' attentions to be focused on Hikaru. Eagle had now backed Lantis into the side of the booth, and Lantis' expression had gone from scared bunny to deer-in-headlights.  
Hikaru pressed a finger to her lips, frowning. "We gotta tie between couples numbers one and three!"  
Umi glared at the popsicle stick FTO. "We lost to a one-armed piece of plywood?!" she growled.  
"Is there, perhaps, a tiebreaker?" asked Fuu.  
Hikaru dug around in her pockets. She produced a bright pink envelope with little stickers all over it. She scratched one of the stickers, and smiled.  
"Mmmmm...smells like stamp glue." Hikaru tore open the envelope, and took out the card inside. She studied it, nodding.  
"OKAY!" Hikaru chucked the card and envelope behind her. "The tiebreaker is a physical challenge for the couples!"  
Ferio got a huge grin on his face, his eyes drifting over to Fuu.  
"It's gonna be an obstacle course!" continued Hikaru, fumbling in her pockets for the keys to the studio arena.   
Ferio's grin fell. He scuffed his shoes against the floor, pouting.  
Ascot waved his hands. "Hold on, shouldn't we be worried about..." he trailed off, glancing nervously over at the fourth booth.  
In the third booth, Eagle could be seen leaning over the edge, making a quite frightening look down at the floor outside the booth and tapping his fingers on the booth's edge slowly.  
Geo had backed his chair into a wall. "Just don't make eye contact, Lantis...just play DEAD, you crazy bastard..." he whispered urgently.  
Hikaru shrugged happily. "Ahh, I'm sure they'll work it out by the time we get to the arena! TO THE ARENA!"   
  
~*  
  
Hikaru bounced up to the camera, smiling widely. "Welcome to the Tiebreaker Round!!"   
The camera panned over to a large arena, where Fuu and Ferio and Zazu and the popsicle stick FTO were standing. Rather, Fuu and Ferio were standing and Zazu was curled up into a fetal position with his beloved. Umi and Ascot were on the sidelines; Ascot was trying to keep Umi from jumping into the arena and smashing the popsicle stick FTO. Eagle was calmly sitting in a chair. He slowly turned to Lantis, who was sitting (cowering) next to him, and gave him a smile. Lantis scooted a little bit away.  
"...You're still mad, aren't you?" Lantis asked quietly.  
Eagle pretended to think for a moment. "...YES." he said calmly. He petted Lantis' hair for a moment, then turned to chat with Geo in the seat next to him.  
Hikaru bounced from foot to foot, giggling. "Alright! Now, are the two tied couples ready to go?"  
Fuu and Ferio nodded. Zazu was merely sniffled a few times. Hikaru bounced over to a big shiny glowing red button. Her eyes grew huge, and she began to coo.   
"Reeeeeeeady?" Hikaru asked, finger hovering over the shiny button.  
The couples in the arena nodded.   
"To win, all you gotta do is catch the ball and hold onto it! Ready, set..." Hikaru giggled and pressed the button. "GO!"  
A door in the arena swung open, and a small, white ball rolled out. Ferio got into a starting position, ready to chase after the ball. Fuu warmed up a binding spell to use. Zazu was planting butterfly kisses on his popsicle stick FTO. However, the ball did not move an inch. Everyone in the arena blinked.  
"..."  
"...Um..."  
"...Is it broken?"  
"...WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CLIMAX IS THIS?!"  
Ferio shrugged and strutted over to the ball. "Don't worry, Fuu!! I'll win that vacation for us!" he said confidently.   
Fuu looked slightly worried. "Ferio, this is FAR too easy..." Fuu warned.  
Ferio arrived at the ball. He put his hands on his hips and smirked.   
"Well, well, now..." Ferio gloated. He turned to the other couples outside the arena, and stuck out his tongue. "Kiss that trip goodbye, y'all!"  
Ferio instinctively moved as a Water Dragon went whizzing by his head. He rubbed his hands together, and bent down to pick up the ball. However...  
He blinked as the ball rolled away from his hand. Fuu frowned. Ferio reached out again to pick up the ball. This time, it bounced away, rolled a foot, and was still. He gritted his teeth and stomped over to the ball, reaching down to quickly scoop it up. Again, the ball rolled away, spun around a few times, and was still. Ferio muttered a few curses.   
"What's up with this here ball?" he asked huffily.   
Hikaru blinked innocently. "I dunno, the one we used in rehearsal didn't do tricks..."   
Umi held her head in her hands, breathing heavily. Ascot was bent over her, extremely concerned.   
"Umi! Umi, what's wrong?! Do you need a glass of water, I could get you o--" Ascot worriedly fussed.  
Umi waved her hand at him. "No...my...Marshmallow Sense...is tingling..." Umi said, as if every word was being ripped out of her very soul.  
Fuu stroked her chin for a moment, frowning.   
"Ferio, allow me to try something..."   
Ferio stepped aside, glaring at the ball. Fuu focused on the ball, and raised a hand.  
"~Warning...WIND~!" cried Fuu.   
The spell flung itself at the ball, but bent itself back before it hit its target. The spell ricocheted back at Fuu. She screamed and braced herself. But, of course, Ferio positioned himself in front of her to take the hit. And, of course, the spell sent Ferio flying back into Fuu, and sent them both flying into one of the walls of the arena, the impact knocking them both unconscious.  
"Ferio!"  
"FUU!!"  
"Are they hurt?!"  
"...I think they're fine."  
Everyone turned to look at the Guru who just spoke. Clef pointed at Ferio.  
"They're simply unconscious, and judging from the smile on his face, Ferio seems to be more then happy being unconscious with his face in Fuu-san's chest." he said plainly.  
The couples outside the arena sweatdropped, gaping at the innocent looking ball. Presea frowned for a moment.  
"...I could have sworn..." Presea murmured.   
"Sworn what?" asked Clef.  
Presea growled lowly at the ball. "I could have sworn that ball just grinned at me..."  
Umi's head snapped over to look at Presea. "Are you tingling, too?!"  
Presea blushed. Eagle coughed a bit.  
"...Umi-san, this is what husbands are used for." Eagle gently explained, smiling.  
Umi shot a glare over at Eagle. "Not THAT, pervert!" Umi stood up, pounding her finger at the ball in the arena. "My Marshmallow Sense in tingling, and it's coming from THAT BALL!"  
Umi rolled up her sleeves and went to climb into the arena. Hikaru ran to stop her.   
"Umi! Umi, wait!! If you go in there, Zazu and Popsiclestick FTO will automatically lose!!" cried Hikaru.  
Umi glared at Hikaru. "It's NOT like the 15-year-old AA member and the One Armed Piece of Plywood are actually going to WIN, so--"  
Suddenly the arena was filled with blinding light. Sparkles emanated from the ball, and it lifted itself from the ground. Umi facefaulted as she saw the ball's true identity.  
"I KNEW IT! My marshmallow sense is NEVER wrong!!" Umi screeched.  
"Puu!" said Mokona. He yawned and scratched his back, stretching.  
Geo and Lantis screamed, both glomping onto Eagle.   
"YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!!"  
Mokona floated down to the arena floor. "Puuuu, I'm through with all that stuff." he produced a filmreel out of his head jewel. "I've been getting into directing, lately..."  
"Oh?" asked Hikaru, interested.   
Eagle was turning purple. "Geff...OFF..."   
Lantis glomped Eagle tighter. "Don't worry..." he whispered, casting a suspicious glare at Mokona. "We don't trust him!"  
Geo nodded in agreement, tightening his glomp as well. "We'll protect you!!"  
"Well, what are you doing here?" Umi asked huffily.   
"Well, the mashin were hired to write the questions for the show, and Selece crashed the word processor." Mokona started to explain.  
"How can you crash a word processor?" Umi interrupted incredulously, tapping her foot.  
"He felt the Dancing Paperclip was challenging him to a duel, so he ate the monitor." Mokona waved a paw. "Gave him one hell of a case of heartburn. Too much fiber. And then Rayearth broke the modem after downloading too many pictures off PetCo.com, and Windam finally crashed the motherboard when he electrocuted himself." He shuddered. "Feathers and wires and little squeaky dog toys everywhere, and then the room started to smell like burnt chicken and it was just a bad scene all around. Anyway, I brought over the reinstall CD and Rayearth's 1000-volt shock training collar, and thought I'd stay for a bit. But then..."   
Mokona unfurled his wings, and donned his 'creator' facial expression. "I sensed a wish stronger then in any universe here..." Mokona said sagely. "...I came to grant it."  
"Are you going to give me my lifetime supply of Prozac?" Clef asked hopefully.  
Mokona shook his head and raised a paw. "No, but I wired that wish over to one of my old college buddies up North."  
Clef pouted and slumped back into his seat. Geo got sparkly eyed.  
"Did you bring me an Eagle plushie?" he asked gleefully.  
Mokona shifted his gaze over to Geo. "...No..."  
Geo looked absolutely heartbroken. Mokona sighed and pulled an Eagle Plushie out of his forehead jewel, and floated it over to Geo. He squealed like a five-year-old girlchild and rubbed the plushie against his face, still keeping one arm glomped tightly around Eagle.  
Mokona coughed. "...Well, the wish I've come to grant..." Mokona dramatically spread his wings, and in a flurry of feathers and sparkles, floated in front of the weeping Zazu.  
Zazu sniffled and hiccuped. "Leave me alone with my broken dreams..." he whispered.  
"LOOK! LOOK! It TALKS!!"  
"'Watashi wa Ootuzamu no Iigeru Bijion!'"  
"OOOH! Lemme see!!"  
"No! S'MINE!!"  
"'Watashi wa Ootuzamu no Iigeru Bijion!'"  
"Share it!!"  
"'Watashi-watashi-watashi-watashi wa Ootuzamu no Iigeru Bijion!'"  
"Mine!!!"  
"God, make Geo share!!!"  
"LEFF GO OF MEFF! I CAMPF BWEFF!!"  
Mokona floated down closer to Zazu. "Dear little child, your wish was so strong it echoed across to me across dimensions..."  
Zazu sniffled again, blinking at Mokona. "You...hiccup...heard my wish?"  
Mokona nodded. "Indeed I did..."  
"I didn't think anyone...I mean, all I found in that wishing well was a weird guy with a rash, and that shooting star turned out to be Geo's third grade science project..." Zazu said, quietly.  
Geo blinked. "Mr. Peepers is still in orbit?"  
"'Watashi wa Ootuzamu no Iigeru Bijion!'"  
"HAH! I got it!!!"  
"WAAAAAAAAAAH!! GIVE IT BAAAAACK!!!"  
"'Watashi wa Ootuzamu no Iigeru Bijion!'"  
"Campf...bwefff...gw...gwammafff? Iff ffat nyuuu?"  
Mokona tried to speak above the racket. "I heard your wish anyway!" Mokona fluttered his wings. "Simply say it in your heart, Zazu..."  
Zazu sniffled and closed his eyes. A brilliant white light began to shine around him.  
"And it will be granted..."  
"'Watashi-watashi-watashi-watashi wa Ootuzamu no Iigeru Bijion!'"  
Mokona grew to five times his size. "SHUT UP OVER THERE! PERFORMING DIVINE MIRACLES IS TIRING!!!"  
Silence.  
"'Watashi wa Ootuzamu no Iigeru Bijion!'"  
"...He-he..."  
Zazu began to slowly rise into the air. The popsicle stick FTO clutched tightly in his hand began to glow, and exploded in a burst of sparkles. In its place...  
Tears of joy began to pour down Zazu's face.   
"Is...it really you...?" Zazu whispered, hands shakily reaching out to stroke the white-plated sheet metal of the reborn FTO. "Are...you...really..."  
Romantic music began to play from the speakers. Mokona glared up at them.  
"Rayearth, quit screwing with the sound system!!"   
The music screeched to a halt.  
"...Sorry..." a voice said from the speakers.  
Tears of joy flooded down Zazu's face as he smiled in delirious happiness. "MY BELOVED!!! You...you...F! T! O!! I MISSED! YOU!! SO!!!" Zazu tearfully shouted, hugging the FTO's leg tightly and planting little kisses on it.   
"MINE!"  
"'Watashi wa Ootuzamu no Iigeru Bijion!'"  
"MIIIINE!!!"  
"'Watashi wa Ootuzamu no Iigeru Bijion!'"  
"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!"  
"'My spider sense is tingling!'"  
Geo and Lantis sweatdropped.   
"...I think we broke the Eagle Plushie..." whimpered Geo.  
"What?!" Mokona huffed, fluttering over. "Damn thing! That's the LAST time I buy off the Mexican Shopping Network at 3AM!" He sighed and extended a paw. "Okay, hand the thing over. I can get my pesos back."  
Geo squished the plushie close. "No! Even though it's defected, it's still Eagle!!"  
Lantis nodded in agreement. "Yeah! It may be constructed by child labor, and it may be black market, and yes! It MAY be a LITTLE off...!"  
"'Holy Jesus on a pogo stick, Batman!'"  
"Zazu, if you keep doing that, you'll ruin the paint on it..."  
Geo held up the plushie to the heavens. "But, it has been blessed with the name of...EAGLE!!"  
"'I'm Popeye the Sailor Man! Toot-toot!'"  
Lantis drew his sword. "So! We cannot allow you to take it away from us!!"  
Mokona shrugged. "Pu-puu." He retracted his wings, and waddled over to Hikaru.   
Hikaru was scratching her head. "...I'm confused..."  
Fuu was dragging herself into a chair. Ferio plopped down next to her.   
"...So, how is this unusual?" asked Fuu, dusting off her clothes.  
Hikaru pressed one finger to her cheek. "...Who won the contest?"  
All noise in the arena stopped. The couples all turned to look at each other. Mokona reached into Hikaru's pockets and lifted out the plane tickets. He gave a very Mokona-ish smile to the group, and promptly ate the tickets. Everyone facefaulted.  
"Puuuu...!!!" Mokona gurgled, licking his paws.   
Hikaru clapped, bouncing from foot to foot. "Mokona wins!!"  
Umi dragged herself to her feet, one eye twitching.   
Hikaru laughed nervously, backing up a few steps. "U...Umi? What's wrong?"  
"We went through all that...and wasted valuable make-out time..." Umi loomed over Mokona. "...To have this marshmallow eat the grand prize...?"  
Mokona burped.  
Umi was dead silent for a moment, twitching.   
"Take cover..." Ascot said nervously, ducking under a row of chairs.  
Umi grew to ten times her size and produced a mallet. "IT'S S'MORES TIME!!!!" she screamed, swinging her mallet at Mokona.  
The mallet smashed into the ground on top of Mokona, narrowly missing Hikaru. Mokona was flattened into a little round disk, with his smiling face on top. He popped back into his usual form, bouncing off Umi's head and into the chairs.  
As Umi chased Mokona around in the background, Zazu was still tearfully attached to the FTO's leg. He gazed up lovingly at it.  
"I...I missed you..." Zazu sniffled.  
The FTO made a clicking sound.  
Zazu snuggled his face against its leg. "I remember when you said that the first time...it was on the observation deck, and I had just given you new shield generators..." Zazu looked dreamily up at the FTO. "The memories..."  
"GET BACK HERE, MARSHMALLOW!!"  
"PUU!" Smash. "PUUUUUUUU-PUUU!" Slam.   
"'The bestest thing about tiggers is that I'm the only one! Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!'"  
"Okay, it looks like the wires just shorted out...let's see."  
"'Pika-chuuu!'"  
RIP. "OKAY, that's NOT the right wire!!!"  
Ferio jumped up. "Hey! The show's over!!" he exclaimed.  
Lantis, Hikaru, and Geo started bouncing up and down.  
"CARE BEARS TIME!!!" they all squealed.   
Hikaru pointed out the door. "To the movie room!!"  
Eagle and Fuu sat glued to their seats, lips quivering in horror. Lantis and Ferio picked them both respectively up.  
"Come on!!! If we're late we won't get to see the scene where Bedtime Bear has the scary dream!" Lantis cried excitedly, carrying a thrashing Eagle out the door.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Eagle and Fuu screamed in unison as they were dragged out.  
  
~* Owari.  
  
~* OR IS IT?!  
  
"Pass the popcorn."  
"'Don't worry, Woo-Woo! We'll get through this together! Cause that's what tenderness and squishiness is ALL about!!!'"  
"Go, Tenderheart Bear!! Set that damn Paranoid Ocelot straight!"  
"'Yay! The power of friendship and sunshine have won over icky badness!! Let's all dance together!!'"  
"Damn it...sniff...this ending always gets me...sniffle...I need something to cuddle..."  
"...Ferio, get your hand off my butt."  
As the ending credits for 'The Care Bears Meet King Puu-Puu of the Marshmallow People' rolled, everyone clapped and yawned. Except Eagle and Fuu, who had long since given up on hopes of escape and were merely staring straight ahead, blank-eyed. Mokona stood at the back of the movie room, paw on the projector button.  
"Puu-puu pu puu puuu-puu puuuu?" he asked.  
Hikaru's eyes got wide and sparkly. "Ooooo...Mokona wants to know if we want to watch the alternate ending to the movie!" she squealed.  
Geo, Lantis, and Ferio squealed like little girls. "Yeah! Yeah!!!" they cried.   
Everyone nodded and mumbled approval. Well, except Eagle and Fuu, who were frantically trying to pick the lock on the door.  
Mokona smiled evilly. "Puuuuuuuuuu...PU PUU!" He hit the button on the projector, and flung himself into Hikaru's lap, burying himself in the popcorn bowl.   
The picture flickered onto the screen, showing a vast war-torn magical battlefield. The Care Bear forces crouched in a trench with their Marshmallow People allies, dressed in battle armor. King Puu-Puu a.k.a. Mokona-dressed-in-royal-threads-and-a-mustache stood on a tree stump, giving an inspirational speech.  
"'PUUU-PUU, PUU PU PUU, PUU PUUU PUUUUU PUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!'" shouted King Puu-Puu.  
Cheer Bear stood up, raising his sword. "'King Puu-Puu is right! We'll triumph over the forces of Evil Ed!! LET'S GO!!!'"  
Lantis, Geo, and Ferio cheered. "Yay! Yay! KICK HIS DISEMBODIED FACE IN!!"  
The Care Bear forces poured into the battlefield, tummies blazing.  
"'EAT LOVE AND GOODNESS, MOTHERF*&%ERS!!!'" screamed Sunshine Bear, slamming his sword through a furry purple monster.  
The FTO made a grinding noise.  
Zazu nodded. "You said it."  
Onscreen, King Puu-Puu was chopping technicolored monsters into little bits, getting sprayed with the blood. In slow motion, he smeared their blood onto his face.   
"'PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!'" King Puu-Puu screamed in slow motion.  
Suddenly, a large meteor hit the battlefield, triggering a huge explosion. The screen flashed over to a shot of King Puu-Puu at a beach, for some reason romping about in a purple thong. The mashin in their animal forms followed close behind, dressed in similar underwear that was color-coordinated to their respective elements.  
Umi turned green. Fuu looked up at the screen, facefaulted, and resumed frantically picking the door lock.  
  
~* AND, of course...  
  
Ferio unlocked the door to the spacious room he and Fuu lived in together in Cephiro Palace when Fuu was visiting. He looked around worriedly for Fuu, frowning.  
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuu? Where are you? You, Umi, Ascot, and Eagle ran out of the room when that one bedroom scene with Cheer Bear and Grumpy Bear started...are you okay?"   
Ferio wandered through the living room, and spun around, cupping his hands around his mouth.  
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuu!! Where ARE YOU?!" he called anxiously.  
A soft sound came out of the bedroom.   
"Fuu? Is that you?" Ferio asked, walking into the bedroom.  
Ferio stepped into the bedroom, walking into the center. The door suddenly slammed shut and locked behind him, and a green blur slammed into Ferio and pinned him to a wall. Fuu hovered her face a millimeter from Ferio's, with a psychotic grin plastered on.  
Ferio's mouth twitched into a grin. He tried to reach over to a side table. "Hang on, let me get the handcu-mff?"  
Fuu closed her hand over Ferio's mouth. One side of her grin twitched. She drew her face even closer to Ferio's.  
"Ne, ne, Ferio..." Fuu purred sweetly. "...Fuu-chan isn't happy."  
Ferio was beginning to get slightly frightened. "...O...oh?"   
Fuu nodded. "No, she isn't." Her voice dropped dangerously. "Fuu doesn't like watching Care Bears, Ferio..."  
Ferio was now wholly frightened by that glint in Fuu's eyes. "...She doesn't?"  
Fuu shook her head. "She doesn't." She moved her head next to Ferio's ear. "...And do you know what will happen to Ferio if Ferio makes her watch Care Bears even ONE MORE TIME?!?"  
Ferio cowered, pressing his head as far as he could to wall. "...Something bad?" he softly hazarded.  
Fuu's grin nearly lopped off the bottom of her face. "VERY goooooood, opossum wood! Can Ferio guess WHAT Fuu will do to him?!?!"   
The green-haired man merely whimpered.  
Fuu stuck out her tongue cutely. "Blood!!" she giggled happily. "Now, what does Ferio say to that?"  
Ferio was pale. "...Meep..." he whimpered softly.  
Fuu smiled. "Gooooood."   
She coughed and went back to normal, and reached behind her back to pull out something.   
"Now...you were saying about whips..."  
  
~* The real owari. 


End file.
